We all know by watching a toddler that we are born with no limits.
It seems the smaller (and younger) we are, the more invincible
Toddlers believe so much in themselves that they keep trying to
stand tall no matter how often they fall. They think they can
climb on anything. Nothing is too “scary” for them
to touch (or taste).
When you were a toddler, there was no stopping you! The words
“no” and “can’t” were not in your
dictionary. No matter how huge the challenge, you happily kept
trying until you were successful… and kept eagerly addressing
the next barrier.
So what happened? Bit by bit, your sense of invincibility was
conditioned out of you by well-meaning parents, family members,
friends, teachers, even religious mentors.
The words “You can’t do that…” became
almost a mantra from those who loved you and wanted to keep you
“You can’t climb the tree that high…”
“You can’t ride your bike that far…”
“You can’t make money without working hard…”
“You can’t get serious with that girl/boy…”
”You can’t leave the table until you eat all the food
on your plate…”
Sure, their intentions were good… but you are probably still
trying to clear that “I can’t” talk from inside
“I can’t quit my boring job and start over in a career
that excites me…”
“I can’t go to college at this age…”
“I can’t be a millionaire…”
”I can’t find the perfect mate…”
“I can’t lose weight…”
Do you want to imprint that same “I can’t” energy
in your child?
I know, and you know, that as a parent, teacher, relative, or
mentor, you are simply trying to motivate the child you love to
do something for their own good. You really want them to get the
benefit of the better behavior.
The problem arises when you relate only the “don’t”
part of the behavior and not the “do” part.
Usually, we react out of fear… fear that they will fall
out of the tree, get hurt crossing the street, be disappointed,
grow up too fast, or have low self-esteem.
Unfortunately, we sometimes deliver (and they only hear) half
You might say, “What’s wrong with you? You know this
is dangerous. How many times have I told you not to climb that
tree? You know you can fall and break your neck. Now you are grounded…
until you realize how stupid you were acting.”
Our real message is, “I love you enough to keep you safe…
and that is why I am teaching you this. I don’t want you
to fall out of the tree. I want you to stay healthy and happy
so you will be around and grow up into a healthy and happy adult.”
How can you program yourself to react with the real message, the
message that empowers you and your children?
Train yourself to complete this four-step reaction process, and
communicate all four phases to your child:
Your first reaction is ANGER. The energy of anger is a powerful
energy because it keeps us (and them) safe: I am angry that you
climbed up so high in that tree.
Next, recognize this reaction is coming from FEAR: I am afraid
that you will get hurt or worse.
Give them a SOLUTION: I want you to wear sneakers, have someone
with you, and pay more attention to which branches are weak or
strong as you step on them when you climb that tree.
Give them the REASON why you are so concerned – because
you LOVE them: I love you so much and I want you to stay safe
so we can have fun together. You deserve to have fun and adventure
in life, as long as you keep yourself safe. Do you understand?
Wouldn’t you love to hear this message as a child? Then
practice this four-step process until you easily give this sort
of message to the child in your life.
How do you practice? With yourself, of course! Make a list of
all the “can’t” messages you received as a child.
Then address each message one by one. Spend a minute or so rewriting
the message you received.
Probably the message you received was the “Anger”
message. And it stopped there. Now is your chance to complete
the cycle. Translate the “Anger” message into the
“Fear” counterpart, then into the “Solution”
and “Reason/Love” stage.
Practice changing the inner “anger” message (I can’t
stand my job) and the “fear” message, (I am afraid
I won’t be able to support myself) into a “solution”
message (The happier I am with my career the more motivated I
am to go the extra mile) and the “reason/love” message
(When I love my job my best talents will show through, I will
perform way better than I am now, and my compensation will improve
Once you understand energetically what you were really receiving
through these “Can’t” messages (they really
were based in love, after all) you will stop beating yourself
up, holding yourself back, and staying stuck in fear.
And turn that inner critic into an inner coach – for yourself
and for any child you interact with!
Love & light,
Gwenn Bonnell is an International
Energy Coach & Trainer and the author of many programs that
teach you how to use EFT and Energy Medicine to boost your energy,
improve your health, remove your blocks to success, reduce stress
and bring zest back into your life...
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